


immunity

by briepiter



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Post-Canon, References to Drugs, and after rue's possible relapse, as in after the season finale, basically the stuff rue deals with on the series, rue is obviously in a bad place emotionally
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-07-31 17:17:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20118721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briepiter/pseuds/briepiter
Summary: After Jules left, Rue relapsed in every way possible. It was hard to find the motivation to stay sober when doing so meant she'd had to feel so much of everything. Lexi stays by her side and helps her figure out reasons to keep trying.orRue finally notices Lexi has been there all along.





	immunity

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i'm really obsessed with euphoria nowadays and the season one finale made me realize i cant stop fangirling over everything just yet. so that's how this fic came to life lol
> 
> also, please forgive me for any grammar/spelling mistakes. english is not my first language :(
> 
> enjoy! <3

Staying sober has always been hard for Rue, but never for such a specific reason—never due to heartbreak, that is.

The night she almost ran away with Jules made Rue feel almost everything. She experienced extreme anxiety in both a positive and negative way, happiness and sadness, hopefulness and hopelessness—at times, all of these at once. During the first couple of days she wondered whether her reaction was overdramatic or simply way more overwhelming than it would've been to anyone who's not psychologically ill, but she couldn't come to a conclusion so she just let the doubt go. Jules had hurt her badly and it made her world come crashing down all at once, which Rue hated in an unexplainable way. She didn't hate Jules, it was quite the opposite actually, she hated herself for being so stupid and becoming so dependable of another person; everyone has their own lives, and Rue has been trying to accept that she's no longer a part of Jules'.

Rue _ really _didn't want to slip back into using drugs, but what choice did she have? Jules was what made her feel good while sober. Without her, everything is too much, and not at all in a good way.

The days were longer than usual. At the same time, Rue couldn't distinguish what day it was; every day felt like the same boring, depressing, overwhelming piece of nothingness. Not even binge-watching TV shows could distract her this time, since the thought that her and Jules might never be at least friends again haunted Rue's mind.

Most of the days were composed by laying in bed and occasionally taking some pills to help her stop feeling so much. She counted each of her body's movements carefully and felt the need to do it three, five, ten times until it was right: 1, 2, 3, stop, 1, 2, 3, stop, and so on. Maybe that was the way Rue's brain found to try to discourage her using drugs, but it just made her want to get out of her own head more. OCD is fucking exhausting, as everything that has to do with anxiety is, and she knew drugs would make her mind just stop—she'd finally be able to breathe, and that's what mattered. Those were the bad days.

The good days were actually worse than the bad ones depression-like, but better because Rue didn't do drugs. On those type of days, drugs didn't become part of the equation because Rue was too depressed to function. At least the depression made her anxiety go away.

Lexi stopped by her house for the first time on what Rue thinks was a Monday, maybe after school. She doesn't remember whether it was morning or not, only that it took her completely by surprise.

"Rue!" Her mother called from the living room, startling Rue. Up until then, she was deeply consumed by the feeling of numbness her depressive episodes were gave her. "Lexi's here."

It took Rue a whole second to process that information. She couldn't understand why Lexi cared all of a sudden, or why anyone would care about her trainwreck of an existence. Rue, however, cared about her loved ones as much as she could, so she breathed deeply and tried to come back to reality in order not to be an accidental bitch.

"Woah," Lexi gasped softly after closing the door behind her. At least it seemed like she did, the room was too dark to see anything other than the notebook's light illuminating Rue's face. "Are you trying to become Batman or something, Rue?"

"I guess you could say that, yeah. If being Batman means complete isolation and stuff."

Rue breathed deeply as she noticed how unnecessarily rude that was.

"Rue, listen," Lexi started, pronouncing each word as gently as one could possible do. She was always such a sweet person, but what for? "I know you're in a bad place right now. I'm not going to complain about you treating me badly because I also happen to know you don't do it because you're a bitch, but because you're hurting inside and it's hard to be yourself. It's fine."

Lexi sat down on Rue's bed, managing to not invade her friend's personal space whilst leaning in a bit to get closer to her. Close, but not too close. "I wasn't actively there for you last time, Rue, and I spent three weeks extremely anxious wondering if you'd die and if I should've been a better friend for you. So I'm here now. Do you want me to stay?"

As she had been looking at Lexi for a few minutes then, her eyes got used to the light and could perfectly see the look in her friend's face. Rue knew Lexi meant every word she'd just said, which made her eyes fill up with tears. It was good to feel truly cared for, especially during such a dark moment.

"I'm sorry I'm such a bad company to you, Lexi. I—I really am." Rue finally sat down, getting up from the position she had been in since she went to bed the night before. Finally properly facing Lexi and noticing how she was actually _ there _for Rue. Most people, even though they're physically with her, don't truly listen. Lexi was genuinely listening. "What did I do to deserve you? You're one of the best people I've ever met, and you stuck with me throughout everything and… I don't know. Why did you put up with me for so long?"

"I never _ put up _with you, Rue," Lexi gently touched Rue's arm before her. "We've known each other for such a long time, you're probably the person I love the most after my mom and Cassie."

She looked down after replying, as if those words shouldn't have come out of her mouth at that moment. Rue understood it as Lexi's fear of opening up to her, since she didn't remember the last time she'd heard Lexi saying she _ loves _someone that's not Cassie. Rue could feel how much she cared, and there was no way of thanking her other than with the tightest of hugs.

Both of them cried then, but neither said a word about it. Rue was thankful to have Lexi by her side, and Lexi was relieved she managed not to lose Rue all over again.

After that day, their bond between the girls became stronger than it had ever been. Lexi stopped by Rue's house almost religiously every day after school, and at lunchtime on Saturdays, keeping an eye on Rue and taking care of her in the best way she could—being there for her. Some days, Rue wouldn't say a word, and Lexi knew she'd be thinking about Jules and wondering whether or not she should've gone with her. Rue told her about that night one day, and then wasn't able to stop crying for the rest of the afternoon. It broke Lexi's heart in a million pieces, and the pain confused her at the same time that it made her want to crawl up in bed with Rue and hold her tight. She didn't do anything about her own pain though, Rue didn't need anything else on her table at that moment.

Rue's good days were the ones in which she'd let Lexi in, both literally and metaphorically. In some of the good days she also stayed sober—it depended on whether or not her anxiety was debilitating, and especially if she'd had insomnia on the night before. Not sleeping meant having to deal with way too many thoughts and feelings, which wasn't pleasant at all. On her bad days, however, Rue couldn't stand to do anything but ask her mother not to let Lexi in when she arrived. It's not that Rue didn't want her friend's company, she did, but she wouldn't let Lexi see her like that.

On her bad days, Rue took one too many pills. She took them over and over until it felt like it was enough, until she could get all the intrusive thoughts away from her mind and she could breathe properly. For a few weeks after the dance, every single thought included or had to due with Jules, but it's not even about her anymore, it's about everything. It's about how she feels like a trainwreck waiting to happen, and every time she felt like her life was getting back on track, everything backfired negatively. The drugs made those thoughts go away, but hallucinations came as a side effect. Once, the image that came to her mind was Lexi, and it seemed too real. They were somewhere else, just the two of them, and she was strangely at peace. More at peace then she'd ever felt with Jules—and that's saying something. Rue wondered whether or not the peacefulness was due to the drugs or to something else. She quickly pushed the thought away from her mind though, since it was probably the way Rue's brain found to put on an emotional band-aid on her bruised heart.

Rue had a few good days in a row after that one, and Gia even told her, with a huge smile on her face, that she "seemed to be getting better again." Her mental health was made of ups and downs though, and the following down made her feel like the world was crashing down above her. The difference was that she actually let Lexi in that day.

As soon as she entered the bedroom, Lexi laid in bed next to Rue, taking the hair away from her face and checking to see whether or not she had a fever and had to take any specific medication. Lexi opened her mouth lightly, but quit trying to say whatever thoughts passed through her mind at the moment. She held Rue close and caressed her hair, trying to push back her own tears as she felt Rue's body trembling beside her.

Neither of them said anything, and Lexi ended up staying over for the night. Even though it had been an awful day emotionally speaking, it was the best night's sleep Rue had in a long time.

Lexi dreamt of the time Rue taught her how to kiss, but the dream quickly turned into a nightmare in which she witnessed Rue overdosing.

Rue dreamt of Jules going away in the train. Except this time the sadness wasn't even near as crippling as it had been then. Rue felt pain in her heart, but it was manageable, and she understood it was the best choice for both of them as individuals and for their relationship not to deteriorate. Maybe they weren't supposed to be together romantically, and in her dream Rue accepted that.

However, she woke up early in the morning in fright after feeling Lexi panting as her body trembled. Rue shook Lexi's arm lightly and kept calling her name, pleading her to wake up from whatever nightmare she was having.

Lexi opened her eyes and everything about her facial expression screamed fear. Only after she looked at Rue beside her was it that the fear faded away from her eyes, cleansed by the tears that instantly appeared.

"What happened?" Rue asked after hugging Lexi close, gently stroking her hair.

"I—" She sniffed. "I had a nightmare about you." Lexi broke the hug, but didn't look Rue in the eyes, she couldn't. "About you overdosing again and I—I couldn't do anything about it and you—"

"I'm ok, Lex." Rue took her hands into hers. "I'm here, nothing bad happened. Let that dream go, alright?"

"Ok..." She exhaled shakily. "Please don't overdose again, Rue. I wouldn't be able to bare feeling I'm about to lose you again."

Rue looked down and held back her tears. That's the part that hurt her the most about being an addict and an overall fuck-up—seeing the way it negatively affects those she loved the most. Lexi was her childhood best friend, she saw Rue go through literally everything that made her become the shitty person she then was. Lexi had every opportunity to leave, to cut Rue off of her life, but she never did. She always helped Rue and that's how she paid her back: by making her have nightmares and wake up in cold sweat. Rue hated herself so much due to that.

"I won't, Lexi." It didn't matter whether it was a lie or not, she had to say it. Rue owed her that. "I promise."

After hearing the words she'd just pronounced, Rue realized that the last time she made that type of promise was to Jules. Rue also realized that she didn't resent Jules anymore, and that she'd gotten to a point in which she could get better for herself—and perhaps Lexi could help her along the way.

At the end of week 7—according to Rue's confused by a psychological crisis calculations–, Lexi told her Jules was back in town. Rue had been waiting to hear back from Jules since the minute following her departure, and she did give Rue updates of her whereabouts during the first couple of days; turns out they're not good in keeping a long-distance friendship, so the texting didn't last more than a week. Rue concluded it was probably best for both of them, so she just let it go for the time being—she was disappointed Jules never texted her again, though.

Maybe she really was better off without her.

No. Rue had gone over and over these thoughts almost daily until she managed to convince herself it was _ really _not that deep. They were both going through stuff and they needed to stay away for some time in order to heal properly and not damage their relationship even more. Jules loved Rue and Rue loved her back—just not romantically anymore.

Lexi stayed over on the night of that British reality show's season finale. Rue told her about her last depressive episode and how she binge-watched that shitshow of a television program during it. Lexi felt bad to laugh about it at first, but then Rue started doing it, which was a green sign for her to burst out in laughter as well. They always had a lot of fun together; time went by so quickly it almost made Rue forget her constant intrusive thoughts.

"Why do you still watch this, Rue?" She asked in between giggles.

"I don't, actually."

Lexi put down the popcorn she was about to eat and looked at the girl next to her. "What?! Why are you making me go through this, then?"

Lexi buried her head on the pillow she was leaning in, mockingly muttering "Ugh, Rue!" as a way to manifest her discontentment. Amidst chuckles, Rue hugged her from behind and eventually rest her head on Lexi's back.

"Are you comfortable there?" Lexi inquired, voice muffled by the pillow in which her face was still in.

"Yep."

"Will you let me get up anytime soon?"

"There's no reason for you to get up, Lexi. Or is there?"

"Well… I need to watch this crappy reality show of yours, don't I? That's why I'm staying over tonight after all."

"Good point," Rue replied, consenting to finally let Lexi get up. "But I thought you could watch TV at home, can't you?"

"What?" Lexi laughed softly.

"You could've watched it at home, but you came here, so..."

"So I like you—" Lexi said seriously and in less than a second her cheeks became red. "Your company, I mean."

Rue tried really hard to keep a straight face but she couldn't. "I like your _ company _ as well," she replied, air quoting as she pronounced each syllable of the word company.

Lexi was surprisingly speechless, but not because she had nothing to say, but because she was really afraid to say it. Rue kept looking back at her, anxiety building up and every thought in her mind wondering the same thing: what if? They make sense together, don't they? Rue had never noticed it until that specific moment, even though it was right in front of her this whole time—throughout her entire life.

Rue remembered Jules. Not in a bad way, though. Merely something she told her on the night of the dance that kept replaying in the back of her mind: "I want you to want to kiss me so bad that you don't even have to ask". Rue was about to mumble meaningless words to Lexi just because she wants to kiss her and is scared to do so, but she chose not to. Lexi was right there in front of her, being her silly self and clearly embarrassed due to her accidentally confessing her feelings towards Rue. 

Lexi was right there and Rue was 90% sure she'd kiss her back. She couldn't just waste this kind of opportunity, and without giving it too much thought—the last thing Rue wanted was to overthink and end up doing nothing at all—she went for it.

Rue took a lock of Lexi's hair away from her face and proceeded to slowly moved her hand to the back of her neck as she moved her body closer to hers. Lexi kept looking at Rue's mouth, which made her smirk and take the courage to kiss her.

They kept kissing for a while, up until the ending theme of the British reality show started playing, which made Rue laugh. "Time goes by quickly when you're so distracted, doesn't it?"

"It sure does," Lexi played along. "Guess I should've watched it at home, right?"

"I'm glad you didn't," Rue replied, giving her a peck in the cheek. "Do you remember how I taught you to kiss a few years ago?"

"Yeah," Lexi laughed. "I've wanted to kiss you again ever since."

Rue was truly surprised. She never realised Lexi had a crush on her throughout the years. "Seriously?!"

"Yeah! You're a good kisser, Rue Bennett." Lexi shrugged. "Besides, it's not my fault you're so fucking pretty all the time. No boy can compete with that."

"What about girls?"

"Eh… No girls either."

Rue smiled, softly replying "I'm glad" before locking her lips into Lexi's once again. Neither of them had any idea whether what they had was going to last or not, but they were willing to give it a try. Lexi made Rue happy, and nothing else mattered besides that.


End file.
